The Divorce Lesson

To love someone with all your heart and all your soul and all your being and then it ends. How is that possible? How does that happen? And how can you even survive that? I don't know the answer to any of those questions. All I know is that you do survive, somehow. You learn to go on.

I survived. I went on. And in the process, I learned one of life's lessons - that life isn't fair and life doesn't follow your plans. Once I accepted that lesson and relinquished my plans and my dreams and allowed my life to take a different course than what I had envisioned, I was able to stop trying to control my life and I was able to breathe. I was able to start living, really living.

And through this lesson, I've gained a happiness that I've never experienced in my life. I used to have a life I didn't even like but I was bound to it because it was the life I had planned. I tried to make it work and I tried to make it look like the life I had envisioned but I was trapped and unhappy. It's been 5 years since I got divorced and I now have a life that I didn't plan at all, and I'm happy, genuinely happy every single day. And more surprises keep popping up and I look forward to every twist and turn in my life and what new adventure lays ahead.

My suggestion for happiness is to quit trying to control your life and be open to the gifts that you are given. Life is more beautiful than even you could have planned if you'll stop and give it a chance.

Marking the Divorced Box

I just started a new job and sat down on the first day to the mountain of new hire paperwork I had to fill out. I was diligently going through it, printing my name, signing my name, writing the date over and over and over. Then I came to a piece that asked me for my marital status. I could check Single, Married, Divorced or Widowed. Why is it there business if I was married? Doesn't it only matter if I'm currently married? I felt like my privacy was invaded and I was being branded as I checked off Divorced. That's when I realized that there is a truly ugly segregation going on across America: The segregation of Singles!

I guess you're only good enough to be considered single if you've never been married. If you are divorced or widowed, you have to continually be reminded of that painful experience every time you get a new job, new insurance or a new doctor.

I wonder what would happen if I refused to be segregated? What if i fought back against this division and checked single? If they found out that I had been divorced and didn't disclose it, could I be fired for lying on my paperwork? Could I lose my insurance? What exactly are the consequences for rebelling against this form of segregation? Not wanting to take my chances with my income or my health, I dutifully got into the Divorced Line and checked the box indicating that I am divorced. My paperwork is probably being stamped with a Scarlet "D" as I type!

When the Pain Stops

I'm not sure who wrote this but I thought it was an amazing piece written on pain:

The Pain Stops: when you stop looking at the person you love as the person you love, and you begin to see them, not as a partner, a lover, or a best friend, but as a human being with the strengths and weaknesses and even the core of a child.

The Pain Stops: when you begin to accept that what you would do in a circumstance is not what they would do, and that no matter how much you try, they have to learn their own lessons, and they have to touch the stove when it's hot, just as you did, to learn that it is much better when it is cold.

The Pain Stops: when your longing for them gets slowly replaced by a desire to get away, when making love to them no longer makes you feel cherished, when you find yourself tired of waiting for the moments where the good will truly outweigh the bad, and when at the end of the day you can't count on their arms for comfort.

The Pain Stops: when you start to look inward and decide whether their presence is a gift or a curse, and whether when you need them, they cause more heartache than bliss.

The Pain Stops: when you realize that you deserve more than they offer and stop blaming them for being less than you wish. When the smile of a stranger seems more inviting and kind, and you remember what it's like to feel beautiful, and you remember how long it has been since your lover whispered something in your ear that only the two of you would know.

The Pain Stops: when you forgive them for their faults and forgive yourself for staying so long. When you know that you tried harder than you ever tried before, and you know in your heart that love should not be so much work.

The Pain Stops: when you start to look in the mirror and like who you see, and know that leaving them or losing them is no reflection of your beauty or your worth.

The Pain Stops: when the promise of a new tomorrow is just enough to start replacing the emptiness in your heart, and you start dreaming again of who you used to be and who you will become.

The Pain Stops: when you say goodbye to what never really was, and accept that somewhere in the fog you may or may not have been loved back. And you promise yourself never again to lay in arms that don't know how to cherish the kindness in your heart.

The Pain Stops: When you are ready

It's my Un-Anniversary!

I had a beautiful tropical wedding 8 years ago today.

Two years later, my husband came home from work on our anniversary and told me our marriage was over. I argued with him and disagreed with his logic but he wouldn't waiver. I walked into the bathroom and collapsed in the shower. He pulled me out and wrapped me in a towel, leaving me alone and drenched in our bedroom. The answering machine kept going off in the background with our family sharing happy anniversary wishes. I sat there alone and cried.

Six years after that devastating night, I am in a much happier place and enjoying my life. I wouldn't have this life if I had stayed married and I wouldn't trade it for anything. When I got divorced, I thought I lost my life, my husband, and my chance at happiness. But, I had a marriage in appearance only. Once I shed that exterior, a weight was lifted.

I'm now a single mom to two beautiful little girls and am starting a new career. I have a lot of friends and I'm closer with my family than I've ever been. Life's not perfect but it's pretty damn good.

Today I celebrate my un-anniversary and I give thanks for my divorce!

Friends and Lovers

I just got an email from the guy that I went out with this weekend. He's such an awesome guy - so thoughtful, caring and funny. I got the feeling from his email that he wasn't sure about the chemistry either. We'll continue our friendship and see if anything develops.

I'm used to that instant chemistry where you're smitten right away and have never dated someone where it slowly built up. I know people who have been friends for years and then develop a romantic relationship but it's never happened for me, at least not yet. I feel a little skeptical about the idea but I'm staying open minded.

They always say that when the student is ready, the teacher appears. So, I must try to be ready so my lover will appear. I feel a little scared having blind trust that he is on his way to me but from what I've read, that's what's required in order to find what you're looking for.

Dating Update

I thought I'd post an update on my experiences so far since I created my 100 list of traits in my partner.

I received an email from this guy on myspace who lives not too far from me saying he'd like to meet me. I was a little skeptical but emailed him back anyways. We traded a couple emails and then decided that my gut was telling me that he was not the right guy for me. I wasn't sure if I should just meet him and give him a shot but ultimately, I feel that my gut reaction will guide me in the right direction. And that direction isn't towards him.

A friend of mine for the past year has been expressing interest in me over the past couple months and he finally drove down to visit me this weekend. I enjoy talking to him on the phone and know that he's a very nice guy. He's not the usual guy I date but I think that is who I need to date if I am going to locate my partner of 100 traits. We spent the day at the beach and enjoyed a swim in the ocean and lounging on the deck overlooking the surf. It was heavenly. The conversation was good and there was nothing revealed that ruled him out. I'm just not sure if there was the kind of chemistry that's needed. He sent me a text today saying how he enjoyed his visit. I'm not ruling him out but I am feeling a bit iffy.

So the adventures have started now that I've made myself open to finding "him".

This Scary Thing Called Love

I've been giving a lot of thought to my last blog about wish interference. I think that I've been very afraid of being with a man that I love because I don't want to sacrifice who I am. I found in so many of my relationships including my marriage that in order for it to work, I had to give up a part of myself. And then even that couldn't save the relationship. Each one failed. I feel myself clinging to this new identity that I've created of being a strong independent woman that can stand on her own. But the identity is founded on me being alone. Do I really want to be alone after all?

No, I really don't but I'm afraid of who I will become when I'm with someone I love. I'm afraid of that vulnerability and I'm afraid of feeling like a failure. When I got divorced, it rocked me to my core and left me in a crumpled heap. It took a lot for me to get back up and dust myself off. I know I could survive another divorce but Lord knows, I don't want to prove it.

Before my wish can start to come true, I need to be willing to let go of this identity of me being alone. I need to be willing to leap off the cliff and take a chance on love. My stomach is queasy just thinking about it.

I need to believe that being in love means that we each assist the other in becoming more true to our soul's intention of who we're meant to be.

After experiencing so much of the opposite, I need to relinquish those thoughts and beliefs in order to believe in what I know is possible.